Do you catch yourself sometimes being annoyed about so and so taking something from you and not giving it appreciation?
Or do you find yourself numbing down feelings of unfairness, telling yourself to be kind and giving….(otherwise you won’t get a treat 😉
Have you found freedom with the right to say NO?
Today article is about the giving and taking we do and the ways we manipulate ourselves and the others to get what we want.
I have pondered about the connections of the giving and taking and the guilt trips we experience when we feel “out of line”. When we think we should be more giving or we burden ourselves with guilt for saying no and feeling not enough.
One of my best indicators that I have to do some adjustments is when I feel angry with someone about the way they “take”. Following the feeling I discover that I don’t even want things to be different, no, I want them to see how inappropriate they are behaving…..I want them to realize, that this is no good way to be….I want them to understand that they must change ;-)…..My inner critic is longing for justice, but what is it really doing? And who is that inner critic? Where does the voice come from? And what what my world look like if I would just be able to ask: What is it I really need to be happy right now without interfering in someone else’s decision or ways to be? How can I let go of (satisfy) my longing for justice?
Well, lets dive back into the world of when we have been taught about these things. How to behave, how to “Share” and be “nice”. It takes me straight back to age 3 and the phases of tantrums, when we learn what mine and yours and how the people around us react when we behave a certain way.
What are the programs we have received? You’re a good girl/boy sharing, it’s bad to not give the toy to the other child (never mind how you feel about having to give it). It doesn’t matter what you want, your parents decide if you go or stay now.
And yes this is all important learning processes, just that most of the time we were not accompanied through our own emotions in these situations and often overwhelmed and we needed to go in survival mode to be loved and safe. We needed to do what was expected of us and hide our feelings ( as good as we could), cause our anger and frustration was also not allowed. And that is where the problem really starts. It’s not about having to share or being taught about giving and taking. It is about not going through the full process of experiencing everything and coming to understand the consequences of choices and the limits that also grant us benefits.
So we can learn this today, by looking at our emotions that arise in moments of giving and taking and when the inner voices feel grumpy, because you didn’t want that but felt there is no way for you to be still loved even if you say NO. You never experienced saying no as a non-dramatic loving act, but it is programed as things we don’t do.
Let’s go and talk to the 3 year old (or what ever age is right for you)
I m so sorry that I never had the chance to comfort you in your despair yet. I am here now, and I wish you will tell me a little about your pain. I know we can not change what you’ve been going through, but I can tell you I am here now and together we can work it out. I can listen to your anger and to your tears and I m even here if you ignore me cause you might not trust me or even hate me. I think all of this would be justified. Still I remain here till the pain subsides and we will get up out of these waves of sorrow and claim our birth right to share and not to share and to have joy and freedom whilst doing so. Still everyone we are dealing with (in reality parts and reflections of myself) is loved and respected fully, cause now that we take care of the unseen pain, we can free the other from our accusation and own our right to be authentic and true to our self.
I m fully here for you now. I m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.