On my birthday last weekend I had an emotional breakdown after just one person came to the women circle that I wanted to hold. Still the first reaction in my mind when I m about to share this is that “people” think “she’s so needy” and “she only thinks of herself” and “she’s got high expectations”…..
But what I believe “people” think, are the people in my head talking! And they have told me this story for a long time. So long that I have taken over and convinced myself that I am not needy and that I am fine just thinking of others and that I better give up my expectations. I even chose many new age and religious beliefs to suit that world picture. But the truth is – I need to be seen and heard and I am needy.
Last saturday it was like a can of beans opened and I cried so much, realising something coming up that was repressed for so long. I had no idea it’s there. But this is what the universe does for us. It sets up the situations that remind us clearly of the pain we have not been able to allow yet.
Once I was able to acknowledge my pain things started to shift and a healing process started. It does not mean that now I am healed from “needing attention”, cause it isn’t a disease. I’m starting to see when I need attention and I am happy to find ways to give myself what I need. I m realising that I can ask any of my beloved friends (and I am blessed to know a few really wonderful people) to listen to me or to give me a hug or to simply hang out with me. The only one starving myself was me…..
But as I said we do these things unconsciously when we have learnt them this way. They become blind running background programs, till there is a breakthrough option.
And whenever something breaks through and comes up, it really is a moment of joy, as you can be assured, it only comes up, cause you are ready for it and your life now has got the conditions to handle this.
Often we react with shame and more self judgement, trying to get back to where we were before….so I think it’s really good to understand these processes from the outside for the moment you hit the inside.
I know I will hit the inside again and I know I will feel ashamed and to vulnerable to tell anyone, but that is exactly the point where I need to decide to be there for my Self.
Have a blessed day.
#everybodyneedssomebody #lovingyourself #emotionalhealing #befriendyouremotions