Yesterday I tried recording a video for my instagram and for facebook. But I just could not manage. I didn-t get the content straight and I was so unhappy about the way how I talk, how I looked and it was soooooo frustrating.
I dived into my inner world, questioning myself and checking my feelings….and all I discovered was a huge amount of self hatred. Not being pretty enough, not being good enough, not knowing anything…..really. Just being a self claimed “therapiest” that should better disappear and forget about this trying to be there for others. What is this really about?
Why is everything so hard? Facebook keeps on telling me “you haven’t posted anything in a while, let your audience know….” – what f****audience? I have no audience, noone likes me, noone sees me and again, this just proofs this isn’t about me helping others, this is about me wanting to be seen, wanting to also play an important role, wanting to be appreciate or wanting to be usefull.Some years ago this dream, this vision of becoming somehow someone who helps others with their inner issues began to grow. Born out of my own inner journey, my own challenges and changes in this journey to finding truth, understanding live, loving myself and becoming myself – no matter what!
I find myself doubting so many times, I find myself struggling to go on and trembling when I step in front of people to talk about my work.
My work, emotional healing facilitation…what is that? I haven’t even got a training, I have no certificate, I simply share what I learnt.
The hole therapy business, again and again I come to the point, where I realise, I can’t really help, besides offering to be present and holding the space, whilst someone is discovering where they don’t love themselves and what makes them stuck. Everyone heals themself. All we can do is to hold space and practise welcoming what shows, no matter what it is. Something I love doing. Plus yes I have some tools and some experience.
And than that whole world of SHOULDS.
I think I should write more appealing for my audience, think about what they want to hear, what they need, rather than blabbing on about me…..Oh well, I m sorry, it’s just not me. As a matter of fact, I hate it if someone addresses me with: Would you like to learn to be in touched with your emotions….come and join me, learn to blablabla….
It really doesn’t appeal to me. I rather listen if someone is telling me that they had a real bad time and they may have learnt a thing or two and would love to share and hold space with me, cause it makes them happy. Really that is all I have to offer…
Everyone needs each others. The fish seller needs fish buyers, the baker needs people who like eating bread, the doctor needs people who are sick and I need people who need emotional support. It does sound a bit weird, but it’s what it boils down to.
I guess there is some comedy element in this tragedy piece of writing today.
I feel like I m just committing suicide, but I also am thinking of giving birth, that moment when you feel like, I just can’t bare this any longer. I have worked so hard. I have done so much to make this happen and….?
Nothing so far, noone needs my help. Noone even asks…..Noone may even know I exist…..The internet is full of people who promise you much more than I can do and than I would want to.
Here I am ranting on about the frustrations and misery of live. And I have the guds to call this a healing article. YES I do. I feel splendid doing this. I feel it’s such a relieve to say, hey you know what, if it’s never ever happening it’s also fine. Really I know I am doing this for me, not for anyone else. Just for me, cause it makes me feel so good, if I can be even the smallest of help for anyone needing emotional support. It just does. And so it’s a selfish destination….just as every other job is too!
So that is me for today, a desperate rant on live and my devotion, which currently doesn’t seam to happen at all. Even I done all the “follow your dream” receipts steps….Again I am being confronted with letting go and let God (ups, dont mention him, people might think your a weirdo!!!!) WTF (Yes today I will also sware, cause it feels so good)
Just one last thing, and a conclusion for the title of “When you feel your whole inner word is against you” today this is an example of being totally honest and not worrying if that will be liked by anyone, and also an example for how to let of steam when your boiling inside.
And maybe a reminder that we all go through this shitty feelings from time to time and it’s part of live! Full stop. It’s an important moment that leads to somewhere if we let ot happen.
It’s like jumping of the cliff, it will lead you somewhere, we are not sure where, maybe into the depth of a beautiful lake (sound good).
In this spirit and with all my love to the world (my inner and outer world) and everything in it.
Have a great day.