Smokers reflections

Photo by Hannah Gullixson on Unsplash

I have been a smoker since I was 15 and I had a 7 year (or maybe it was just 6 years) in between. In the last 5-6 years I have been an on and off smoker and I have been going through the endless battles so many times.

It has taught me a lot. It has taught me about addiction, inner wounds, auto responds systems, awareness, self-love, hate and judgement.

Here are some of the thoughts I find worth sharing.

  1. The worst thing is the self condemnation when you “try” to not smoke and you failed and you feel like you should not have done it the next morning. Truth is it does not help to condemn yourself, it makes the burden bigger. It helps me understand the burden that must be connected with other drugs that people are addicted too. How heavy the so called relapses must feel, how hard it must be to stay trusting in yourself……
  2. No one chooses to smoke cause it’s such a nice thing to do. I chose to smoke cause it gave me experiences like exciting secrecy with close friends, pain killing when life was shit, pretending to be cool and not nervous, hurt, vulnerable…….
  3. Learning not to smoke is teaching me so much about self love. Sometimes I love myself when I allow myself to smoke, sometimes I love myself when I manage to protect myself from the fisical harm. It’s about how I look at myself. In a conversation with God I clearly got the answer for him/her it truly doesn’t matter if I smoke or not. It’s just a choice for a short time on earth.
  4. There are two sides to my smoker. One is the smoking-me and the other is the smoker-belittling-me. When I look down at those who still smoke cause I have a moment of not smoking than I am at war with my own smoker-me and I already know I will end up loosing. Aversion to smoking is maybe “helpful” to create distance, but it’s not real freedom. It’s just an escapism.
  5. Smoking has taught me to look at every situation when feel like having a cigarette. Sometimes it is old memories, most often it shows me my inner pains. It gets lighter with every consciously not smoked cigarette and choice to do something else. Like choosing to be vulnerable, choosing to retreat myself, choosing to grief the lose of the medicine that helped so well to calm my nerves down and relax or re-energise – whatever was needed.

May all beings be happy, may all beings be free, may all beings be at peace

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